"Security" Questions

Every time I visit the US I get stopped by security (either Customs and Border Protection or the Transport Security Authority) and get asked a series of questions.  They are stupid questions but few people have any idea of just how silly they are.  Questions like "did you pack the bags yourself" seem very sensible compared to the questions I'm asked.  But if I just told you the questions they ask me, you may not be able to realize how stupid they are, so I'll just flip it around so it all makes sense.

Bullshit:  The "additional" questions that CBP and TSA ask at airports to foreigners are vital to national security.

The Truth:  The "additional" questions that CBP and TSA ask at airports to foreigners only makes an ass out of America.

The scenario: Mr. Alan Johnson is from New York state.  He is 27 years old, White, upper middle class and protestant.  He was born and raised in New York city but attended high school in Mexico because his parents started a successful business there.  He returned to the US to attend college and lives there.  He is a US citizen and so are his parents.  All his documentation reflects this.  One day he decides to visit a foreign country.  He thinks everything will be routine but upon arrival he's pulled assigned for additional questioning.

Immigration Officer: Mr. Alan Johnson?

AJ: Yes?

IO: Are you in any way affiliated with the KKK?

AJ: Excuse me?

IO: Are you a member of the KKK?

AJ: No.

IO: Are you a member of the Black Panthers?

AJ: NO.

IO: Are any of your family members or relatives members of the KKK or Black Panthers?

AJ: No.

IO: Are you associated with any Militia?

AJ: No.

IO: Are any of your relatives a member of any Militia?

AJ: (Slight hesitation) No.

IO: You hesitated.  Why?

AJ: Alright... I have this one distant relative.  We don't really talk...

IO: Hmmm... (takes notes).  Are you a citizen of Mexico?

AJ: No.

IO: Are your parents Mexican citizens?

AJ: No.

IO: So you are not Mexican?

AJ: No.

IO: Are you sure?

AJ: YES.

IO: What do your parents do in Mexico?

AJ: They own a business.

IO: What kind of business?

AJ: Logistics.

IO: Are they involved in illegal narcotics production or transport?

AJ: No.

IO: They are not Mexican?

AJ: No.

IO: Were you born in Mexico?

AJ: No, I was born in New York.

IO: Okay... wait a minute please.

(Comes back ten minutes later)

IO: Okay, I have signed a series of waivers.  Here, here, here, here and here.  Make sure you sign out with us when you leave the country.  The Pope is coming in two days.  You must be excited.

AJ: Uhhh yeah...

YES.  That's what it's like.  It's fucking ridiculous!